What Was The Cause?
by leopardstarismyleader
Summary: Yamamoto has pushed Gokudera away, and Gokudera has become even more jaded than before. After all, everyone he ever loved ended up hurting him. 8059, request from GStorm59
1. Devastation

**So I was looking for prompts for fanfics, and I sent a message out to my best reviewers giving each of them a request. I will do this occasionally, especially when I'm blocked, so review often if you want this chance :)**

**This fanfiction is for GStorm59, who asked for this:**

Do you think you could write a 8059 where Yama breaks up with Dera for some reason and Dera gets all depressed? You don't see that many out there but I like those kinds :3

**So here we go!**

"Gokuderaaaaaa!"

Gokudera couldn't help but feel both a twinge of annoyance and happiness at the sound of his lover's voice.

The silver haired teen turned around just in time to be swept up into a tight hug.

The baseball player would grin stupidly and plant a kiss on Gokudera's forehead, causing the shorter boy to blush heavily.

At least, that's how it used to be.

Today, Yamamoto walked by without even a glance at the Italian. While Gokudera only snorted and turned his head, it was only his pride doing so. On the inside, it was torture. It felt like his heart was ripping itself apart.

_I knew it. Every single time I open up to someone it comes back to bite me in the ass._ Gokudera seethed.

He wasn't prepared for how much it hurt. He really hadn't thought he had cared that much about Yamamoto.

Apparently, he was wrong. He did care for the other boy, very much so. It could even be said that he was in l-

Gokudera stopped that thought cold.

Angry and depressed, Gokudera pulled out a cigarette. His trembling hands dropped his lighter twice before he managed to light it. He inhaled, feeling the burn of the nicotine in his lungs.

Tsuna frowned, having noticed the tension between his two best friends. The pair had been careful to keep their relationship a secret, even from Tsuna. Gokudera was afraid of what Tsuna would think. But Tsuna was perceptive, and even though he had never known the true shift in his guardians' relationship, he knew they were close and that this coldness was unexpected.

"Gokudera, what's going on with you and Yamamoto?" Tsuna asked, genuinely concerned.

Gokudera sighed and blew out a stream of smoke.

"I'm sorry Jyuudaime, but I can't tell you." Gokudera was hurting, both over the situation itself and the fact that he didn't feel like he could confide in his boss. He valued Tsuna's opinion of himself over anyone's, and he wouldn't be able to bear it if Tsuna rejected him simply because of his sexuality.

"Gokudera-kun…" The boss's big brown eyes softened. As much as he tried to hide how hurt he was, Tsuna could see right through his right hand man.

"I'm sorry. I need to go home."

Gokudera turned and walked off towards his apartment. He couldn't remember the last time he had walked here by himself. The majority of his time was spent at either Yamamoto's house or Tsuna's, and when he did come to his apartment at least one of the other boys was accompanying him. He wasn't used to being alone anymore.

And now, he was very, very lonely.

He hadn't felt this lonely in a long time.

When he closed the door, the emptiness was overwhelming. He felt himself collapsing to the ground, his knees buckling underneath the weight of the silence.

He felt rare tears sliding down his cheeks. What had he done? What had made the baseball player push him away?

What had caused Yamamoto to break his heart?

**I decided to break this one up into separate chapters. I really was intrigued by this prompt, as I normally break the couple up through a death. It's strange having them apart yet both alive, but I'm having fun with this. This is definitely something new.**


	2. Intoxication

**Chapter 2: Intoxication**

**Okay, so I know a lot of you will want to kill me for this. I know it seems out of character, but bear with me. I was thinking of exactly how to make this worse, and then it came to me. If it's any consolation, it will get better after this. I promise.**

Tsuna's brow crinkled with concern. It had been three weeks since Yamamoto and Gokudera had fallen out. Neither boy would talk to each other, only to Tsuna. But both of their personalities had changed.

Yamamoto rarely smiled anymore. And when he did, it was obviously forced. The smiles he put on never reached his eyes. Tsuna shivered at the memory of those same eyes on the baseball player's older counterpart. Was whatever had happened the cause of that cold stare?

But even as he worried for Yamamoto, he was more concerned with Gokudera. He only showed the barest amount of enthusiasm, and more likely than not was found smoking. Pack after pack he went through. The bags under his eyes were deep and dark, and he was even failing his tests. It was so unlike him that it scared Tsuna to death.

One day, Gokudera never showed up at school. Tsuna worried and worried, texting his friend continuously throughout the school day.

Not a single reply came in.

Tsuna nearly sprinted out the door of the classroom when the bell rang, running as fast as he could down towards Gokudera's apartment.

He reached into his schoolbag for the rarely-used spare key Gokudera had given him in case of emergencies. He jammed it into the lock and burst into the room.

And stopped short at the sight in front of him.

Gokudera lay on the ground, his school uniform half on. His breathing was shallow and he was deathly pale. The way the shirt had settled when the silver haired teen had fallen revealed something that almost took Tsuna to his knees.

There wasn't a single shred of fat on Gokudera's torso. His hipbones were jutting out so much Tsuna was afraid that any movement would cause them to break the skin. Every single rib was visible and clearly defined.

Tsuna pulled out his cell phone and dialed Yamamoto's number.

"Hey Tsuna." Yamamoto's voice was listless.

"Yamamoto! You need to come to Gokudera's house NOW!"

Yamamoto sighed. " Tsuna, I can't. I really can't. I can't bring myself to see him. He needs to move on."

"Yamamoto, he's lying here almost dead. He's been starving himself, he's on the floor half dressed and unconscious!" Tsuna shouted into the phone.

"I don't know what went on between you two, but this is obviously linked to whatever happened! Come here _now._"

"I'll be there as soon as I can." Yamamoto hung up the phone.

Tsuna dialed an ambulance next, and waited with bated breath for one of the two to show up.

Gokudera's breathing was slowing as he lay on the floor. Tsuna found a blanket and covered him up to try and keep him warm.

**I swear this will get less angsty. But hey, it's what I'm good at and known for.**


	3. Wasted

**Chapter 3: Wasted**

**It was recently pointed out that I have a fondness for hospital scenes. Huh, I guess I do.**

**Now you guys get to find out why Yamamoto ended it with Gokudera.**

Yamamoto was sitting on a park bench when his phone went off. His heart leapt for a second, hoping that the name on the screen would be the name he had been waiting for.

The faint spark of hope died when he saw Sawada Tsunayoshi on the caller ID.

He flipped open his phone.

"Hey Tsuna."

"_Yamamoto! You need to come to Gokudera's house NOW!"_

" Tsuna, I can't. I really can't. I can't bring myself to see him. He needs to move on."

He himself needed to move on. He had been the one to end their relationship, but that didn't mean that it didn't tear him apart as well.

"_Yamamoto, he's lying here almost dead. He's been starving himself, he's on the floor half dressed and unconscious! I don't know what went on between you two, but this is obviously linked to whatever happened! Come here _now_."_

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

Yamamoto threw his phone into his pocket and ran. He hadn't meant for this to happen. He had thought, by breaking up with Gokudera, he would save him pain.

The baseball player had learned recently that his father had contracted pancreatic cancer, and he didn't want Gokudera dragged into that pain. He loved Gokudera enough that he knew that his own jaded self would end up hurting the other boy. So he ended it.

As he ran, he glanced down at his jacket covered arms. The scars that lay there were going to be reminders of their relationship forever. He had carved his pain into his arm.

He loved Gokudera, of that there was no denial. He had fallen in love with the fiery Italian from day one.

He couldn't believe how far he had come since that day. Back then, he never would have considered taking a knife to his own skin. But the pain at letting Gokudera go had driven him to it. He hadn't even felt the slice of the blade; his emotional pain had bested even that.

But now Yamamoto saw that he had caused the other boy so much more pain.

He ran as hard as he could towards the apartment, throwing himself through the door.

Tsuna's head snapped up.

"Yamamoto, I'm sick of you two hiding this from me. What happened between you two?"

Yamamoto didn't even hear Tsuna. His full attention was on the small body lying on the floor. Tsuna had grabbed the grand total of two blankets and four towels and laid them over the other boy, but he was still cold to the touch.

Yamamoto stripped his jacket and lay it over the pale teen, ignoring Tsuna's gasps of surprise at the scars on Yamamoto's forearms.

"Gokudera, oh god Gokudera, why?" Yamamoto whispered.

"His bones are almost sticking through his skin. You're covered in scars. What the _hell_ happened?" Tsuna was distraught.

"I ended it so you wouldn't be dragged into it. I loved you too much to have you suffer like that, but you just made yourself suffer anyways! Gokudera why didn't you eat?" Yamamoto was almost crying, slipping his hand underneath the makeshift covers to grasp Gokudera's brittle hand. He gasped at the feel; so bony and thin.

Tsuna was slowly piecing the situation together, but his suspicions were confirmed when Yamamoto placed a heated kiss to Gokudera's forehead.

"God Gokudera, just survive."

**The cutting thing is an experience from my own life. I don't support anyone ever doing it, it's such a stupid thing to do, but I remember that pain and I knew I could write it.**

**They will get better, I promise you all. But both boys are suffering greatly for the moment.**


	4. Insensitivity

**Chapter 4: Insensitivity**

Gokudera blinked open his eyes blearily. The white was overly bright, and he screwed up his eyes in pain.

He felt a large, familiar hand grasping at his own frail, brittle one. He cracked his eyes open, feathering his eyelashes to keep out most of the blinding light.

The tortured face of his ex boyfriend met his eyes.

Gokudera immediately turned his head away. He didn't want to deal with that bastard right now.

"Gokudera, I can't tell you how _sorry _I am."

Gokudera tried to block his words out and tried to remove his hand from the other's grasp. He looked back in shock as he realized he didn't even have the strength to do that.

"I don't care if you never want to see me again, if you want me just to leave, but please Gokudera, why didn't you eat? Why did you starve yourself?" Yamamoto's voice was hoarse and cracking badly, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to overwhelm him.

Gokudera had noticed the scars on the other's arms when he tried to remove his hand.

"Why the hell did you cut yourself, dumbass. You were the one who ended it, you shouldn't be feeling any pain at all. I'm surprised you're not out fucking some fangirl's brains out. After all, you're just a horny bastard who wanted to try it with a guy and didn't care how much you would break him when you threw him aside like he was nothing."

"I never threw you aside. I never just saw you as a fling-"

"Then _WHY?_" Gokudera screeched.

Yamamoto hung his head down.

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"As if this didn't! God do you not see me right now? Do you know why I didn't eat? _Do you? It's cause I was FUCKING hurting over this SHIT! I had fallen in LOVE with you and then you fucking HURT ME!" _Gokudera was crying, but he was far past the point of caring.

"You ask me why, Yamamoto. You ask me why. _Why don't you tell me why you fucking, insensitive, son of a BITCH!"_

Gokudera sucked in a soft gasp as the last comment left his lips. He had crossed a line, and he knew it.

Yamamoto let his hand go and walked out of the room.

Gokudera pulled his feeble body into itself and cried into the pillow.

How could he have been so stupid?

**I know this is a short chapter, but I wanted to end it here.**

***points at genres (Angst&Romance)***

**I swear there will be fluff later.**


	5. Insecurity

**Chapter 5: Insecurity**

**Sorry it's been a bit, I've been swamped.**

**I decided to write this in the same universe as "You Are The One", so some references to that fic and how they got together will be mentioned here.**

Yamamoto made his way to a chair down the hall from Gokudera's room before collapsing into it. He placed his head in his hands, rocking slowly back and forth.

He had tried to apologize. But then Gokudera had insulted his mother. Had called her a bitch.

He knew, he knew how much his mother's death had broken Yamamoto. He had been unable to love again until Gokudera came along, and he had let Gokudera go to save him from that same pain he knew would reoccur once his father succumbed to his cancer.

Of all the names and insults that Gokudera threw his way, that particular one had never been said. Ever. Both boys knew that Yamamoto would never be able to take it.

Yet Gokudera had said it not even five minutes before.

Yamamoto felt the tears overcoming him and streaking down his cheeks.

_No,_ he told himself. _Gokudera was just pissed off and it slipped out. He doesn't mean it, he doesn't…_

Yet somehow, Yamamoto couldn't let himself believe that it didn't have an ounce of hurt behind it.

_I'll go back to his room, and if he calls me it again, he'll have meant it._

Yamamoto stood and shakily made his way back to Gokudera's room.

He slowly opened the door and his stomach almost dropped out of his body.

Gokudera was curled into a ball on his bed, sobbing into his pillow. The silver-haired teen's face was contorted into a look of pain Yamamoto had never even imagined.

"I was so stupid. So fucking stupid!" Gokudera cried into the pillow, punching it feebly.

"Gokudera?" Yamamoto whispered.

Gokudera's face turned sharply towards Yamamoto's voice, his eyes widening in fear at the other boy standing there. He pulled the covers over his face to conceal it from the Rain Guardian.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Gokudera groaned.

"I never meant to say it, I'm so sorry. For everything, whatever I did that made you push me away, for the insult, for _everything._ For being a horrible boyfriend, for not eating, for being insulting, for causing you to cut yourself, for never letting you know just how much I cared about you. _I'm sorry._"

Yamamoto gently pulled the covers down, exposing Gokudera's tear stained face. The Italian turned away, not wanting to look the taller teen in the face.

"No Gokudera, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you like that, I never thought breaking up would hurt either of us this badly. I'm sorry I thought I couldn't confide in you. I'm sorry for hurting you, for causing you so much pain that you didn't eat. I'm sorry for hurting myself. I'm just _sorry._"

The baseball player cupped the Italian's face in his hands and brought their lips together in a soft, sweet kiss.

"I'll be here with you through this Gokudera. I'll help you get better, make sure that you eat. But please, at least tell me why anorexia, of all things."

Gokudera was silent, his bangs shadowing his eyes from view.

"I'll tell you if you tell me why you cut yourself, and what drove you to break up with me."

Yamamoto sighed, and exposed his arm for Gokudera to see.

"In all honesty, I don't know exactly why. All I know is that my pain was so bad at losing you that I couldn't stop myself. I had heard that it helped emotional pain, but my emotional pain was so bad that I didn't even feel the slice of the blade. So I kept going until finally the physical pain was enough.

"As for why I broke up with you…" Yamamoto sighed and clenched his fists. Gokudera reached a brittle hand over and gently pulled the Rain Guardian's head of black hair against his bony chest, stroking his bony fingers through the soft hair.

"My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. There's no hope for him, he won't live out the year. And I knew that what happened with my Mom would repeat itself, and I didn't want you to be hurt because of it." Painful tears slid down Yamamoto's face and soaked into the oversized hospital gown Gokudera wore.

"You really are an idiot." Gokudera whispered.

"You really think I would leave you alone like that? You think I didn't know how much that would hurt you? You really think I wouldn't be there for you. Stupid idiot." He gently smacked his hand against the back of Yamamoto's head.

Yamamoto cried quietly into Gokudera's chest. The Storm Guardian held the Rain Guardian in his frail arms, stroking his back comfortingly.

When Yamamoto was able to calm down, he looked at Gokudera.

"Your turn."

Gokudera looked away.

"I…thought you might have thought I was fat and ugly, and that's why you broke up with me…"

Yamamoto couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous that statement was. He gently gathered Gokudera into his warm arms, laughing into silver hair.

"You're beautiful Gokudera. No matter what happens to you, no matter what you look like, I will always find you beautiful."

It was Gokudera's turn to cry into a chest, and Yamamoto gladly let him.

"I'll help you Gokudera. I will help you get better. I promise."

"Never leave me again." Gokudera demanded.

Yamamoto pressed a kiss to Gokudera's forehead.

"Never."

**Finally, reconciliation :3**

**There's going to be one or two more chapters of fluffy goodness, then it's going to be over, sadly.**


	6. Recovery

**Chapter 6: Recovery**

It took three weeks before Gokudera was able to eat without making a disgusted face at the food he was given. Three weeks before Yamamoto was able to leave the blades in the kitchen where they belonged.

And three months before they could stand being out of the other's sight.

The pair were always holding hands and touching. It had taken only food and coercing from Yamamoto to get Gokudera to start eating again, but he was slowly recovering.

Tsuyoshi was getting sicker, and Yamamoto was getting distraught. Long nights were spent with Gokudera holding the crying baseball player in his arms, whispering words of comfort he would never let anyone else hear into his ear.

Gokudera had broken his leg at one point, his bones unable to support his newly gained weight due to malnutrition. Yamamoto gladly carried him everywhere, despite Gokudera's objections.

Tsuna had definitely approved of the two's relationship and supported them wholeheartedly. When he and Mukuro began dating a few months later, the pair congratulated their friend vehemently.

And finally, at Christmastime, poor Tsuyoshi passed away in Yamamoto's arms.

Gokudera held Yamamoto for two straight days as he cried and cried into his lover's chest. Even Tsuna wasn't allowed to see Yamamoto's face as he mourned the loss of his father.

Gokudera was the one who made all the arrangements for Tsuyoshi's funeral. He had seen Yamamoto's father as a replacement for his own father, and missed him sorely. Tsuna even allowed him to dip into the Vongola's funds to pay for the funeral, wanting the best resting place for his best friend's father as possible.

Yamamoto kneeled silently at the grave marker, marking both his mother and father's final resting places. His eyes were red and swollen from so many days spent crying.

Gokudera walked over and kneeled beside Yamamoto. He was healthy now, and had no issues with eating anymore. The scars on Yamamoto's arms had faded until they were barely visible.

"Do you remember when you confessed to me here?" Gokudera murmured.

Yamamoto nodded, his voice too hoarse to even begin speaking.

"It was a beautiful moment. I knew then that I had at least fallen somewhat for you."

The silver haired teen reached over and took Yamamoto's large hand in his.

"I'm moving into your house tomorrow. I'll help you keep running the restaurant. I don't know much about cooking or making sushi, but I can at least waiter for you. You won't even have to pay me."

More tears slid down Yamamoto's cheeks. Gokudera reached up and gently kissed them away.

Yamamoto turned his head and captured Gokudera's lips in his in a passionate, needy kiss.

"Thank you." The Rain Guardian's voice was filled with gratitude.

Gokudera turned and looked Yamamoto square in the eyes.

"I love you."

The amber eyes widened slightly. Even after all they'd been through, Gokudera had never been able to bring himself to say those three little words to Yamamoto.

The kiss Gokudera initiated was filled with promise. The promise of unity. The promise of love.

The promise of never letting the other go.

So, what was indeed the cause of it all?

Simply a fate that joined two abandoned boys together so they could face the world with their heads held high and their fingers intertwined.

**This is the end for this fanfic! I hope you loved it GStorm59 :3 Thank you again for the amazing prompt.**

**Now on to the other couple of requests for AdaraLove and DevilishBea :D**

**Thanks everyone for their reviews and love!**

**~Cinder, aka Leopardstarismyleader 3**


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